Looking with a blind eye
by lolly-moon
Summary: Shuichi constantly doesn't know what goes through Yuki's mind thus making him a VERY angsty teen. Out of his confusion he chooses to confide within himself... and maybe something else...
1. Signs not read

**Looking with a blind eye**

**By me: sansty!**

**YukixShu**

**Yaoi haters leave now  
**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of these bishies and if I did I would make them do MUCH worse things BWA HAHAHAHA

_The song at the end is the 7th Naruto opening. I'm currently up to watching the fillers and I'm hooked on this song. "_

**Sansty: **Giving up on my other fic for now I've decided to venture into a new anime series and see what I come up with. I'll prob go onto Naruto after this too. Depends on how much I can devote to fics. I much enjoy reading what others have than to write my own cause I know how it feels when an author doesn't update. I get all guilty but it can't be helped. Bear with me for now tho! Fight with me as I battle to finish this fic!!

**Word meanings: **Just for those who want reference

Ursesai: Shutup

Tadaima: I'm home

Itsumademo: Forever

Chotto matte: Please wait

Oyasuminasai: Goodnight

Baka: Idiot

**Chapter 1:**

**Signs not read**

POV Shuichi

Does he always have to see past me like that? Without a "baka! Leave me alone!" or any other snide remark he saved only for me? I never really noticed his changed attitude towards me... it happened a few weeks ago I guess. He just... stopped talking to me all together…

* * *

_Flashback_

It was the end of another stressful and tiring day of work at the studio. As usual, Hiro and Suguru complained about me being so unprofessional about everything. I guess if they saw what I was on the inside they wouldn't recognize me anymore. Work plus a one-sided relationship equals…

Well I got rid of the negative thoughts which were starting to creep up around my heart. No use being even 'more' useless in life than everyone else claims me to be every single day. Is that why I feel as if I have to put on an 'act' all the time? Of course at one stage in my life I was happy…I mean… 'genuinely' happy. It's just sad 'cause I don't remember 'when'. I remember Tohma once telling me, "Shindou-kun. This may be hard for you to hear but Eiri-san is right in saying you have no talent. Your performance in the studio today was way below par and you are lucky to have Suguru-san and Nakano-san in this band or you wouldn't even be here. Just be grateful for having them beg me to keep you under contract." I remember cringing when he referred to my Yuki as "Eiri". It symbolized how close he was to him and how much further away I was.

So as I entered 'Yuki's' apartment I yelled out my usual 'Tadaima Yuki!'-barging straight into his sterile office and blurting meaningless nothings about my 'oh-so-wonderful' day. At least… a brighter version of it anyway. It's always so hard to do this all the time. I love him so much so I try to be happy around him… hoping that maybe one day he would start to feel a spark of light somewhere in his life.

My ranting eventually set him off as I recognized that deathly glare and I waited for his hurtful retorts or a kick in the butt out of his apartment, but nothing came. I really 'am' stupid cause I just kept going at it-first asking him if he had a fever, then suffocating him with my useless banter. That was when he cracked…

"Yuki? Why won't you answer me? Did something happen to your draft novel? Can I help? YUUUUUUUKIIIII!!!!!" I gave him my usual pout and opened my big fat mouth again, "YU-" but I stopped… The great loud-mouthed baka stopped you ask? Well I think that's when the 'sensible Shuichi' decided to bang on my head and tell me to shut the fuck up for once.

He was just staring at me. It wasn't really a glare…Kind of passive but not…Like he had given up on me and didn't give the time of day to acknowledge my existence. I noticed he had stopped typing on his damn laptop though. Just when I was about to give him a sincere apology he interrupted my mental plan.

"Brat…I'm working"

Too scared to damage anything even more, I replied with, "As soo desu ka. Sumimasen Eiri-chan. I'll go make us dinner." With that said, I headed for the doorway. Before I completely left he stopped me "Oh, and brat!" I turned around with a confused look plastered on my face. Did he change his mind? Maybe he 'does' want to spend time with me this time!!

"Hai?"

"Don't call me that again. I don't like the sound of it coming from that mouth of yours."

My breathing officially stopped as what he said slowly sank in. Before he could see the unwanted tears forcing their way down my cheeks, I quickly turned, my head bowed and replied, "Hai…"

I really 'am' a baka. Why didn't I just give up there and then? Why did I hold onto the hope that was never meant to be there in the first place? I naively thought that he was having a bad day so I did my best in making a really good dinner for him while letting him continue with his work in peace. I stopped whining and pleading for his attention.

But the sad thing is… even when I gave him space that night… he still refused dinner with me and ordered takeout on his phone. I really should have said "What nerve you have Yuki Eiri!" like any other housewife would have said. But I just threw away what I made and went to bed. Disregarding my own hunger…

_End Flashback_

* * *

Huh! I remember the details but I just don't remember 'when' this all started. I let go of the hope that Yuki was going through a breakdown of some sort due to his novels. Maybe it wasn't about his novels at all. Maybe it was about me. Does he really want to get rid of me but hesitating to do so? If he really distastes me so much then he can DO it already! I'm sick of living life with no meaning and dashed hopes for the future. Why does this one man have so much power to strip me from my goals and dreams? No one told me love destroys people! All this time I thought it was the other way around!

Knock knock knock…I asked permission to enter his office and have yet to hear an approval from him. "Yuki…" I tentatively called. Knock knock knock. Sighing I turn so that my back is against the room and my head lightly leans back on his door. "Yuki, I'm going out for a while to work on a new song." The tapping in the other room stops for a second and I hear a grunt from the other side of the brown wood. "Don't wait up for me…" I add, for reasons I didn't know. I hadn't noticed I was gripping onto the brass handle behind me. My knuckles were probably white due to the numbness in my fingers. Finally letting go of the damn thing I didn't give him a chance to reply and left; slipping on my shoes and carelessly throwing on a coat and hat. I didn't bother with sunglasses 'cause it was already 6PM. Wouldn't want to attract unnecessary attention to myself. People would have a harder time recognizing me with these blue contact lenses and brown hair. Besides, if anyone asked I'd say I was a massive 'Shuichi Shindou' fan and tried so hard to look like him. Truthfully I get so annoyed with people who try to dress up and act like me. Way to strip me of my identity, geez!

I need to clear my head. Since when have I kept my thoughts to myself without an extravagant announcement? And since 'when' did I start thinking so deeply about my surroundings. Is Yuki rubbing off on me? Or have I always been like this but haven't noticed because of my loud outbursts and useless ambitions? Like Yuki said, I have zero talent. I should just pack up and give up on singing. I 'would' have done that too if it wasn't for the fact the singing keeps me sane.

* * *

I walk around the city, not looking at anything in particular. Not admiring the busy streets or the pretty lights which started to turn on as the sky became darker. I did nothing which I would normally do. I guess people would say I was a brooding stranger with nothing to look forward to. I'm just drifting around passively as if I don't exist anymore. That's also the reason why I sing. It makes me feel as if I'm acknowledged by someone; the impossibly loud cheers during concerts, fan clubs presenting themselves at CD signing, men and women practically bowing at my feet at meet and greets.

I walked and walked, my head tilted down and only now did I realize the rivers of clear water running endlessly down my cheeks. It's a good thing Yuki can't see me like this. He always calls me an annoying, whining brat. Usually it just makes me cry harder. Just thinking about it seems to have worked yet again as the rivers flow harder and faster down my face, my shoulders starting to shake. I suddenly have the urge to run. I don't know where I'd be going but I just wanted to run as fast as I could as if I could escape my current situation. Pushing off my right foot I bolt down the busy street, dodging angry shoppers and businessmen along the way. I even heard a harsh "Hey! Slow down kid this isn't a race track!" I ignore it and keep running, if not faster, all the while not caring that I was acting more foolish than the 'old Shuichi'. Why couldn't I shake this feeling off with my old ways? Why couldn't I just laugh or at least smile it off as I would have?

People change.

I'm just a victim of this transition. A helpless victim who never saw it coming. I'm turning into the person I gave lectors on about optimism and the strength it gives you. Am I also a victim of hypocrisy? NO! That's the one attitude I was against since the day I entered high school. I was always surrounded by it and vowed to never be a hypocrite because it makes me a lesser person. Not even 'I' could follow my own words. I really 'am' worthless like he says.

I slowed to a stop as I finally opened my eyes and notice that I'm 6 blocks away from where I started. Feeling my mobile vibrate against my leg I take it out and flip it open to see who was interested in talking to me. "Hiro." I saw his name aloud. I wait a few songs before deciding to answer his call. I wouldn't want him to get worried on me and go blaming Yuki about nothing.

"Hiro. What can I help you with?"

"Ah Shu. Practice cancelled tomorrow so we have a full free day off. Want to go and do something to pass the time?"

Shuffling from one foot to the other I hesitate but agree enthusiastically. Any breaks from work calls for relaxation and it would feel less suffocating if I wasn't stuck in the apartment with a non-responsive Yuki. I thought the sky would fall down on my right then and there just as I had thought that. But it didn't.

"Sure! What time? Don't make it too early or you'd end up waiting outside until I did!"

"Ha ha. I know you better than that Shu-kun. I'll pick you up at around 10 ok?"

"Hai. See you there! Ja ne."

"Ja"

I guess it's time to go home. I almost laugh sardonically. "LIKE I HAVE A HOME!" A passer-by just stares at me oddly but keeps walking, only to enter a local restaurant.

* * *

"Tadaima." I slightly cringed as I noticed how half-heartedly my announcement was. Have I really fallen this far?

"Brat."

I jumped from shock, not expecting Yuki to be sitting stoically on the expensive couch I have been residing on for a month now.

"Y-Yuki! You're up pretty late!" What else could I say? Was he really waiting up for me?

"Che…baka! It's 2AM. Where the hell have you been?" I really thought he was worried about me and my heart was ready to give him another chance. But then when I looked into his eyes I could barely hold back a choked sob…All I could see was annoyance and anger.

"Gomene-"

"Uresai! Who gave you the right to be out so late and not tell me where you were going?"

Disregarding the fact that he told me to shut up while I was trying to apologise, reason crushed the doubt I had and replaced it with relief that he 'was' worried about me.

I slightly smile hopefully at him, as an innocent child would when they were saying sorry for what they had done wrong.

Yuki's brows furrowed even more as his head flicked to the side in… disgust?

"Whatever I'm going to bed." He got up without looking at me and headed straight for 'his' room.

I step towards his retreating body and slightly reach out to him in the midst of my confusion.

"Ah Yuki chotto matte!"

He stopped at his door with his hand readily turning the knob. "What."

"Oyasuminasai…" I cry out meekly. But he didn't respond and before I knew it I was facing his shut door. My chest started to feel like it was on fire. I clutched at it desperately and my face scrunched up in pain.

What's wrong with me?! What's this feeling?! I can't get rid of it! I can't stay here! I feel like this place is suffocating me! But the pain was too much. I finally passed out on the cold, hard wooden floor.

I guess my mask finally broke…

When you told me about your past… I thought it meant you trusted me and accepted me… I was wrong… You only told me so I would stop asking questions and be satisfied with what you said. It was a way of telling me to leave you alone now that I knew everything…

I'll follow your intentions and play by your rules this time…

Sayonara…

Itsumademo…

_I want to gather up the clouds that shed tears,_

_I will use the peaks of the waves to run far away._

_Even though I'm getting scared and distanced,_

_I continue towards our painted future._

_Time is rushing the both of us,_

_Making our actions speed up._

_Even if we are awakened while we dream,_

_We were searching for the same light._

_Underneath the glittering, starry night,_

_With the countless constellations and shadows…_

_Before all that, what are you…_

_What are you gazing at?_

_What are you gazing at?_

* * *

**Sansty: **Phew! Throws gigantic naruto plushies at everyone R&R?


	2. What a naive child

**Looking with a blind eye**

**By me: sansty!**

**YukixShu**

**Yaoi haters leave now**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of these bishies and if I did I would stuff them in a pink box wrapped in a spotty ribbon that says "don't open until next xmas"

_The song at the end is the 1st Naruto Opening: "Wind"-Akeboshi_

**Sansty: **Uhm… if I said anything now it would definitely be a spoiler… but I'm glad I touched people with this fic and I hope to keep you guys happy with what I produce.

**Word meanings: **I can't find any new words that I could have slipped in this chappie but if you DO find something you don't understand feel free to ask me

O there IS one word- _Ikasete_: "Let me go"

**Apologies: **O god I'm so sorry about the endless mistakes throughout the first chappie. I didn't beta it and when I went back to check the published version I was like "holy mother of.." but so far I didn't get any complaints demo (but) I'll do my best to be precise when I type.

**No flame rule: **Please don't flame me if this fic doesn't satisfy your reading needs. Only flame me if you found something REALLY REALLY dumb within the writing aspect (i.e- grammar, spelling etc)

**Replies to my first reviewers are at the end of this chappie just so I don't keep you eager people waiting even longer than you should **

**Chapter 2:**

**Such a naïve child**

POV Shuichi

Arghh… everything's so blurry. Where am I? 'Who' am I?... Why is everything so bright? Wait…cream ceiling, air-con, in-wall speakers…

_Slight flashback_

"… and remote-control lights." My eyes widened in shock at how extravagant this place was.

"So don't go touching anything brat or I'll have your head."

_End slight flashback_

Oh, that's right. I'm Shindou Shuichi. Well renowned pop star singer of Bad Luck. Groaning, I lifted my left-arm and sloppily plopped it on my forehead. I felt a strange piercing sensation aimed at me, slightly tilting my head towards the source of this discomfort. Only my left eye could be barely seen from under my arm as I peeked at the man leaning casually against the kitchen counter.

Why is he just standing there staring at me… Well he 'was'. As soon as he got caught out he turned around to pour himself a drink from what I could hear; coffee no less. Thanks for the offer… bastard. Well he probably thinks I'm not worth the effort of pouring a cup for too. He never says good morning to me either.

Turning to face up at the polished ceiling I get pulled back to my morning musings. I could still vaguely hear him padding around in the kitchen. Even to the extent of hearing him rummaging through the fridge. Yuki doesn't seem like one to be rummaging through anything. Another fact about him I never really noticed until now.

It's so strange… Living yet feeling like your not. It's like the body is a machine which we control so easily just by 'thinking'. Eyes in proportion to the rest of the body are actually quite small yet we can see so many things which are much larger than this 'shell' we carry around. The extent of interactive ness with others, such as the man whom I love involves what's inside our bodies. Is that why they have 'meaningful sex' or 'love making' and… 'meaningless sex' or what I heard Yuki say 'a quick fuck'?

Am 'I' just a quick fuck to him? We never really sit down to talk about other things, with the exception of his confession about his past. Neither of us know what's going through each others heads. We definitely have a miscommunication problem in this 'relationship'. Someone once told me that Yuki was the type of guy who poured out all of his emotions while he was savagely ramming into me… to put it lightly.

I should just ask him what he thinks of me…the same question I ask of him every single day. He might give me a different answer this time.

Sitting up abruptly I luckily caught him before he disappeared into his office.

"Ah, Yuki! Chotto matte!" He stops again at his door. This is 'so' deja vu.

"Nani…"

Giggling sheepishly and scratching the back of my head lightly, I must have looked the usual village idiot.

"Ah, well I was wondering…what…what am I to you?"

I must have been 'really' out of it because it took me a while to recognize his shoulders shaking and a low chuckle reverberating from his body.

"Don't ask stupid questions brat. You should know the answer to that. You're not 'that' stupid."

A long pause followed those words.

"eh.. Hai…"

"Yokatta. Don't bring it up again." _Click._

I smile timidly at the empty space where he once stood before trailing my gaze up at the closed door. Although I try so hard to keep that smile, it's cruelly stripped away by my inner turmoil. As my fists shook violently on my knees I tried to sustain what was left of the innocence and hope which I desperately attempt to preserve. I could feel everything pulling away from me… forcefully… not even giving me a chance.

Senselessly I searched for any recollections of a time when I was truly happy with this man who claims to be a God. Yuki Eiri… the man who had his own heart broken by a love long ago. Is that the reason why I stayed with him after he bared his tainted past to me? I'm so emotionally confused!!! I was screaming my raw emotions loudly in my head as uncontrolled tears refused to cease falling.

Beep Beep Beep

Nani?

Beep Beep Beep

My head snaps up on it's own to identify the source of what had carried my mind back to reality.

Beep Beep Beep

Looking around the room I spot flashing red digits reading "8:00". Ah, so that's what it was. I found it surprising that I woke up before my alarm did. I better turn it off before Yuki comes barging out and yelling profanities at me.

When did I think so ill of him? Surely he wouldn't let such dirty words past his lips. Especially to someone as unworthy as me.

I chuckle at my own mistake. I really don't know anything do I?

Getting up, I sluggishly walk to the kitchen counter and end the monotonous beeping with a press of a button. Yawning I thought of what I had to do today.

"Hiro-kun!" I lightly placed my right fist in my left hand at my revelation. I still have plenty of time for breakfast. Maybe I can even write a new song… to take my mind off things. It would be considered a crime if I didn't admit to my emotional instability. I hope my outing with Hiro will cheer me a little. He's always someone who I can confide in. But even 'I' know, one cannot be burdened by something of this extent for too long. Sooner or later he's not going to want to listen and comfort me. He has his own life too.

Guess I should start planning on what I could do for myself without the use of Hiro, ne?

* * *

"Yuki! I'll be back before the sun sets!" Might as well rebuild the mask which I nearly lost.

"Whatever."

I just smile… an empty smile. Of course I know it's futile since he can't see me behind that door. That's why I wonder to myself… why do I even bother?

Because it gives me false hope.

Stepping outside the building, I was greeted by what people would call a 'genuine' smile. A smile which was plastered on none other than Hiro-kun's face.

"Ohayo! Hiro-kun!"

He waves for me to get on his bike and hands me his spare helmet.

"Daijobou?"

"Hai!" What else did he expect me to say?

"I have something special in store for you Shu-kun!"

"Soo desu ka?"

"Hai." He's turning behind to face me with his reassuring grin. Maybe today will be 'much' brighter!

I cling onto Hiro's body as he accelerates through the streets, wishing I could feel like this all the time… running…

Always running…

Trying to escape…

Ikasete.

_Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.  
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.  
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.  
Break into the contents, never falling down. _

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,  
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.  
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care.  
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise.  
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.  
Don't dry with fakes or fears,  
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

You say, "Dreams are dreams.  
"I ain't gonna play the fool anymore."  
You say, "'Cause I still got my soul."

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.  
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.  
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of  
nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,  
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise.  
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.  
Don't dry with fakes or fears,  
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

* * *

**Response to peeps whom I adore for giving my fic a chance! **

The Oblivious Captain Anna: YAY my first time taking on the angst road of writing. I usually read heaps of angst instead of writing my own. But hopefully years of reading so much of it will help me continue writing this.

Morlana: Hope you got what you wanted..for now P The next chappie will have more plot and have a faster pace than this one. Must bash up Yuki as soon as I can. Hehe

Hikari-chan: Aww!! Yeah I'm still wavering on whether to make him super evil guy or something else. So many ppl write about them making up in the end or Shuichi dying or something. **_SPOILER_** I will NOT do the cliché: Shuichi getting into a car accident thing

L: Wahoo I don't write like a complete idiot with loss of plot. Hehe. That's one hurdle down! I'm digging as deep as I can to produce something that's different so keep your faith in me and I'll try hard to not make this fic a failure. I HAVE read a lot of gravi fics too so I know what's been done. The hard thing is coming up with something that HASN'T been done. XD

Hokage: This is your awaited update! I hope you liked it and if you got bored than I can assure that the next one will be better!! I hope… Fic fighters live on!! BWA HAHAHA!!!

Toni'sGirl: At least he's still alive!! I can't say much so I won't ruin the suspense. Hehe P But I'm grateful for your time in reading this!! Me so happy!!!

inufan1369: Eep!!! I feel really enlightened that this touched you so much!! Hope to hear more from you too as my creation progresses!! Hehe.


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